Okay so it might not be the best choice to stay up all night thinking and thinking and thinking until it destroys me inside but this is what I do all the time. And lately its getting to me.
As you very well know I live in Mexico right now with my amazing, loving boyfriend, Travis. That should make me happy right? But there's something wrong. Don't misunderstand me when I say this because I do love my boyfriend sooooo much! More than I can even admit to myself. But it's just so hard for me to get rid of the past.
Like,take my dumb ass, good-for-nothing ex who tore my heart out after I hurt him two years ago, for example. I know I might deserve him hurting me after I broke up with him shortly after he moved in with me, but I wouldn't go so far as to say that I deserved it all. (Just for the record, I gave him a month or two to decide if I could have made that relationship work before breaking up with him. So it wasn't random just to be mean. And he knew about it the whole time.) I mean come on, texting the girl you "don't" like saying stuff such as "I can't wait to talk to you when this dinner is over" while sitting and celebrating your "best friend's" dead grandfather's birthday? Please! The same grandfather who took you in in the first place and treated you like part of the family. Treated you better than some of the family? UGHH
But I've got to stop myself there before I lose it again.
The point is, I have never been in a situation where the guy wanted to stay around me for more than five MONTHS. Yeah sad isn't it? But this certain asshole stayed for a year and a half. We dated for five months till I was not happy, broke up, still lived together, moved out of my moms and into our own place, got pets together, supported each other and then finally went our separate ways. We were BEST friends. When we started dating I lost my best friend and he was there to make me feel better. He became my best friend. And before too long he's all I had. He took care of me. And now that's all gone. I had to give it up cold turkey.
Now I have Travis and yes, he is working his ass off to be my best friend, and to take care of me. But there's still something hurting me inside. I just don't know how to handle this situation and Ive been trying to get over it like everyone has been telling me to. My friends and family remind me of how hurt I was when my best friend left me for that bitch. But no matter how many tears I shed for him, and no matter how much hate I have inside, I can't seem to get over it. I'm blaming myself for stuff that isn't my fault. Yeah, some of it is, but not it all.
And now I"m just babbling on about something stupid. I have an amazing boyfriend and I want to give him my all. I want to be the happy girlfriend who showers him with love and sees life at it's brightest. But that just doesn't seem possible right now. I need help but I just don't know how to get it. It's got nothing to do with him, it's me. It's been going on in my head and heart since before we started dating. I just don't know how to process it. I mean, the ONE guy that didn't want to throw me away after 5 months and took care of me and stayed with me through shit storm after shit storm, left. Gone. Never coming back. It's hard. It was meant to be like that... but still one of the hardest things I've ever experienced in my life.
But I'm not gonna give up. And if I end up losing this last chance at happiness with the guy of my dreams, then I don't know what will become of me. I just wish there was some way to fall asleep and wake up with a completely different life or different outlook on it. Cause no matter how hard I try, I have never reached that point. Most days I doubt that I ever will.
Hunny, even the girlfriend who "Shits smiles" isn't the positive, loving, carefree supportive girlfriend all the time. Normal couples go through struggles, and your struggle is your emotions. Other peoples struggles could be distance, job, parents, etc etc. Just know that he LOVES YOU FOR YOU. The whole you. The happy and unhappy you. The loving and showering in love you and the unsupportive, sleep all day girlfriend. He chose you, he chose to be by your side. And given your circumstances, you are doing phenomenal. He knows that you have a LOT of emotional baggage. Everyone knows you need help sorting through it. And as for the pos ex hun, you will get over it in time. I know every one is telling you to get over it NOW, but you don't heal from something like that overnight! You were "together" for a year and a half. Thats 18 months. It will probably take you... 9 months to officially get over it. Maybe longer. Just keep working on it and eventually you will be where you want to be.
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