Some people don't understand how I feel or what happens. Just tell me to brush it off. But I want people to know and understand so that they can see into how I'm thinking and how my mind works. Cause the first thing you have to know about my anxiety, it makes me do things and think things I would never do before.
Usually my anxiety is triggered by fears I have about things going on in my life. Example: the fear of losing my boyfriend. (Not his fault). Usually my mind finds something to think this will happen and automatically starts thinking up the worst things it can possibly imagine.
Once all the images that make me want to just throw up and cry till I pass out are rolling around in my head, my heart starts to freak out. What I mean by this is my heart (I have no idea if my blood pressure goes up and down or what) starts to feel like it is racing at a million miles per minute. And sometimes it gets pretty high. I know it can get up to 160 bpm at least (found out last year when in the hospital). This then makes me light headed and makes me not able to breathe very well. I try to breathe and it hurts my chest but almost in an emotional way rather than physical way if that makes any sense.
When this happens, I cannot stand up or walk without almost falling over or feeling like I will collapse at any minute.
But sometimes I feel like my heart is racing and I check my pulse only to find it is actually going at a normal rate. When this happens my pulse is either hard to find or is practically punching my finger cause its beating so hard. When this happens it is also usually hard to stand up or walk without getting the sensation to puke or fall over.
And then there is times when it is beating so slow that it skips beats. When this happens I am usually laying down and no matter how hard I try I cannot get myself up off of wherever I am laying.
Now during all of these, I am having some problems physically that some how morph my thinking into something it shouldn't be like. Something that isn't me. And in most cases, makes things worse or makes me say and think bad things that ruin my relationships.
I think this is because during these times, all I want is for things to get better and for me to be happy again. But for some reason they are not at the moment and I am trying to figure it out in the shortest amount of time before my anxiety gets too much for me and I do and think something stupid. And in searching for that happiness I say the wrong things. Things that I cannot put into the right words that come out into something all wrong.
I have to say, my problems I have with my anxiety are my biggest weakness. They are definitely the worst thing about me and I have limited control over them. I have not found a natural way or even a medical way to completely control them yet. But I am terrible at taking medications given to me.
However, I do have anxiety pills I got from a doctor I used to have that I use in extreme situations. When those run out, I am kinda screwed lol. Doctors don't seem to see my anxiety and pretend it's not there. Why? Cause the medication that actually helps with it is habbit forming.
Now, I agree with the doctors in not wanting to give young people medications they can get addicted to. But being someone who has taken them before, they are addicting because they actually work!
Well now I'm going to go cause I'm just venting now lol But I just wanted to let you guys see into how I feel and try and understand that even though I am trying so hard to control my emotionally destructive habbits, it is still hard and I am going to need some time, help and patience. Thank you for listening <3
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