Maybelline Volum' Express review

Just a note: I am not writing this to bash on the company or any of the products. I am not trying to sound rude or spoiled or anything either. I'm just writing this because I wish I would have seen something like this before I bought them all. Hopefully it will help someone. :)

Ok so I usually don't buy more than one mascara at a time but since I got my first Maybelline mascara (I don't remember which one I had), I have always wanted to try the other kinds they have to get the cool effects they advertise.

So I recently started off with the purple, Falsies flared one... and I love it.

The bristles are thick on the wand and it is only slightly curved. It's perfect! The makeup itself goes on really well on your eyelashes and makes them thick and gives them length. It also doesn't clump your lashes together very much which is good cause I hate having my mascara make me look like I have four eyelashes. Though they might not look completely like false eyelashes, they do thicken and add length. I will definitely buy this again and highly recommend it for my friends.

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Being a crazy cat lady who wings her eyeliner to the sides of her eyes every day, I was excited to see that they made a Colossal Cat Eyes mascara that is supposed to make the inner part of your eyelashes shorter than the outer ones, forming a cat eye effect. However, I have no achieved this.

I was extremely disappointed with this mascara for a couple reasons:
 First of all, the brush is really thin and the bristles are short so I feel like I cannot get enough onto my lashes. It darkens my lashes but doesn't feel like I got anything on them. I'm not saying that this is a bad product in general, just not for my style. I like my lashes thick and long and this just didn't happen with this brush. Not even on the side that the commercial claimed. No cat eye effect was achieved.

 The wand is shaped in a V shape in order to catch the lashes differently and create a different shape but the only shape I can seem to get out of it is the shape of my lashes in the middle going up and the ones at the outer end, flaring down when they're supposed to go up and out. And I didn't like that.

And the last thing I didn't like about this mascara was after you up it on your lashes it kinda makes them look like you hardly have any. it doesn't clump them into big clumps but it seems like it clumps them so that the mascara starts out thick at the root of your lashes and then goes out really thin at the end of them. I also didn't like this and will not repurchase it.

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And lastly there is the Mega Plush Maybelline mascara that I purchased last and also will not repurchase. The commercial claims that the mascara thickens your lashes and makes you look like you have more lashes then you have, but I did not get that.

The bristles are long on the wand which would be good to get all the lash but it didn't seem to work for me. I felt like the bristles weren't picking up enough of the makeup onto the wand and constantly have to dig into the container to get more.

The biggest disappointment I had was that it didn't make my lashes look plush at all. My lashes actually look like a mess and I almost always get the mascara onto my eyelids in attempts to getting it all the way to the root of the lashes.

And yes, I do understand that in the commercials they are wearing fake lashes, so I'm not using that on my review. I am fully aware of that. I'm just telling you how I feel about my experiences.


I just remembered the first one I had of all was the regular Colossal mascara which I also liked and will try again but as of right now I would just like to buy the Falsies one. If you have another one that is better than that one or have different techniques that I am missing with the ones that I don't like that will make me like them better, let me know.
Thank you for reading :)

Painting time!

So if you know me at all you will know that I am obsessed with going on Pinterest. I can literally spend all day on there which is kinda dangerous but it's fun to me. I have 42 boards which are basically folders full of my 'pins' of which I have gathered about 2,418 and counting.

Well recently I've been really into the idea of giving and making painted glasses. So of course I 'pinned' a ton of ideas and then walked my little self to the dollar store, picked up some wine glasses (cause they're just fun to paint) and started my adventure! I also picked up some shot glasses off Amazon for my birthday to paint as well.

I have gathered all of my ideas from Pinterest and Google and have compiled a little collection under the bed :) But I just wanted to share my creations or recreations of the things I have found. I know a lot of people who find things on Pinterest and say they will do them but never do. I am guilty of that as well so I was quite proud that I was actually able to do some of these. And so here they are...

So because my 21st birthday just passed on December 3rd, I wanted to create something that I could have forever to represent it. I found this glass and really enjoyed the look of it. I love it! So here is the picture I found ^^

And here is my attempt.... ^^ It's kinda dark and I decided not to put the lettering on it but I like how it turned out. The heart was actually put on cause I didn't plan out where the candles would be and didn't want there to just be a gap but I think it turned out well with the heart instead. I might put the year 2012 to represent my birth year of when I turned 21 but I'm not sure yet. The heart is in my favorite color :]

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 Then I found this one and it was in the exact same shape as the shot glasses I had just bought so I decided I wanted to keep it as well. I thought it'd be a cute idea to make them matching.

So here is what I came up with lol I kinda like it better then the glass in a way but I'm not sure.

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I completely fell in love with this one when I saw it. I love how you can see the picture through the glass and I was determined to get this exact look. I love it! Mine is kinda different....

I LOVE how mine turned out, though it doesn't look as professional as theirs did. I put my favorite color on the back rather than just having the lemon be in a white background and I'm glad I did! This is probably my favorite shot glass I did and I cannot wait to use it!

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Now this one is the reason I wanted to paint them. When I saw it I was so excited and inspired. Although my version was not even close to this one lol I think I kinda let myself down cause once I actually painted it, I was disinterested in the whole thing. I do like it, don't get me wrong. Just not as much as the lemon one.

I mean... it's kinda cute but theirs is definitely better!

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Now this one got me excited cause I loveee rainbows. To like everyone I know I am known as like the "rainbow queen" cause of all the my colorful stuff and my obsession with them. So naturally I was excited to see this...

Theirs is more detailed which I didn't really care for. So I went simple and sweet and am quite happy how it turned out. I added the clouds at the end and enjoy it so much more now! You can still see the pattern through the back and I just love it.

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Then I saw this. Since it is December and Christmas is coming up, I looked around for something that I could have to celebrate. I will be old enough this year so I was glad when I saw this one. Not only just for like alcohol but also cause I love eggnog but I'm weird about it. I like to drink it but I can only handle so much. So I figured this shot glass would be the perfect amount when I'm craving it at night or on cold days.

 It's kinda sad about mine though... I wanted to recreate the first one perfectly but I was distracted by Criminal Minds when I was painting and forgot to put the swirl things on the ends of it. And that was my favorite part of the other glass lol. So other than that, I am quite glad with my creation. It's simple and festive at the same time.

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Another festive glass I wanted to create.... I love how the lights are all tangled up and I love the colors of it. One of the best parts of Christmas, I think, is the lights. I just LOVE lit Christmas trees and just lights in general. If I could, I would put lights everywhere. I was totally one of those teenagers that wrapped the lights around my bed and everything else I could lol.

However, my cup did not turn out good at all lol. My lights don't look like lights at all and the wire isn't wrapped around the others cause I didn't know how I would do it. I added the little light marks around the bulbs and like that but other than that this is my least favorite painting. But I still enjoy the concept.

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 I like the idea of the themed glasses since I am a big fan of themed drinks. I just love looking for different things you can make on the holidays. Like Christmas cookies and pink drinks for Valentine's day... SO when I found this I got excited too. I just love the little black lines around the hearts and how they look like they're just floating bubbles or something idk....

The lighting in all my pictures is terrible but you can kinda see it. I tried doing it like the cup but you know... I'm not the best painter lol. I do still love the glass and how it turned out. I cannot wait to fill it with something special this year :]

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SO after I painted them I put my pictures all up on my facebook and I've gotta say this one got the most attention. I'm a fan of zebra print things and so when I found this I thought, hey why not. So I tried it and I've gotta say, zebra print is harder than it looks to recreate. I mean, cheetah print is easy cause you can just make dots and outline them a little but zebra is more difficult lol. I think mine turned out pretty good though and so did everyone else...

This is not even the good side of the cup I just ended up taking the picture before thinking about it... but I like it. I dotted with my favorite color instead of pink and I am glad I did. I cannot wait to use this cup!

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 Last but not least... HOLLYYY CRAP.... When I saw these I was like YES! These are the most amazing things ever! These remind me so much of like a girls night in or like a breakup or comfort night with the girls. I originally thought they could work as any movie night with the boyfriend but looking at them closer I realized they're a little too girlie for my boyfriend to drink out of lol.

 So I made two and I am so excited to get the chance to use them. I just think they would be so perfect! Although I'm going to have to acquire a taste for wine to make them perfect lol. These are definitely my favorite glasses and I'm so glad I did them. At first I thought it'd be too hard but it was actually quite easy. They don't look perfect but they're pretty amazing lol.


I still have a whole folder full of ideas and as soon as I have spare money I will be making so many more! I think they look amazing and would make perfect gifts! I hope my creativity has inspired you too :)

If you have Pinterest too and want to see some of the things I have 'pinned'... here's my page. There are some quite amazing things on there!
http://pinterest.com/babybulls/

Another Messed Up Dream...

So last night I had a very weird dream that I hope I never have again...

Travis and I were enrolled at a college somewhere and we went there for our first day (to set up our dorms and get settled in) with a group of people that were supposedly our friends, but I did not know these people in real life.

There were a couple slutty girls there that flirted with Travis and I think he was flattered but didn't get with them. Just wanted to hang with all our new friends. I felt kinda like he lost interest in hanging out with me while we were all trying to get into the college scene.

Well there was this weird girl there that sent me like a list of things she wanted to do to me. It was scary and weird and before I found the list I had a weird feeling just seeing her. We never talked, but I saw her on the street as we were getting out stuff out of our van and into the dorms. She didn't look too clean. She looked pretty in the face but her hair and clothes showed as if she had been sleeping on the streets for a while or something.

Well the list was like a list she kinda put in my head. Like I could read her thoughts. I wrote it down on paper but she had put the thoughts there. Thoughts about wanting to rape me and then kill me. I had images of sitting in my dark dorm alone and seeing her sit outside my door through the crack at the bottom. She just sat there and softly asked me to let her in. But not in a nice voice. It was more of a scary "I want to kill you" voice. Other than that at nights, she stayed at a distance but always had an eye on me.

Well a couple days into being at the college she came up to our group while we were sitting on a play set on campus (don't ask me why there was one cause I don't know lol) and offered to sell us some coke. OBVIOUSLY we told her that we did not do that and she kind of glared at me but mostly glared at Travis.

Travis laughed with some of the boys in our group and then kept talking with them all like nothing happened. This is when I got a really scared feeling in my stomach like my life was in danger and I walked over to him and asked if I could talk to him about something important. He got kinda irritated with me which crushed me, and walked away to class with the rest of the gang. I followed but looked back at the girl who was glaring so furiously at me, it sent shivers down my spine.

Then a couple days past and I was sitting with everyone at a long table in a dark lit room at our school. We were all trying to figure out this paper we were supposed to be writting and analyzing. I asked someone for help just as the huge doors of the room closed and were locked shut.

The weird, scared feeling came back and I looked around for Travis. He still brushed me off, till we smelt smoke. Everyone started to panic as the big room filled with it. I grabbed Travis and demanded that he talked to me and that I knew we were in danger. He just kinda went numb and stared off into space, confused.

I grabbed his hand and ran towards the door as a small group of students managed to get it open. We slid through the cracks of the open doors and started running down the long hallways and staircases. I tried explaining to Travis that someone was out to get us and kill us and that I had been trying to tell him this for weeks but he didn't say anything.

We weren't walking fast enough so I jumped on his back and we started running faster. But along one of the hallways, there was the girl, glaring still but in tears. Her face turned even more evil and she started shouting at Travis to stop. I could tell that she wanted him dead and that she tried killing us by locking us in that room that was filling with smoke. She would have killed all of those people just to kill us.

I screamed back and asked her why would she want to kill both of us. What did we do wrong to her? We didn't know her!

That is when she started to try and hurt us herself. But she was more focused on Travis. She got a gun and started shooting but only wanted to hit him in the head. I shielded it with my arms and body as I was still on his back and started crying. She stopped shooting, not wanting to hit me.

Then she started crying more. I asked her why she was doing this and she started bawling. She said that she loved me and she wanted to be with me but I was Travis' and he didn't even seem like he cared about me. Like, because he was getting into the spirit of college and wasn't listening to me when I was trying to warn him of danger or anything, he didn't want me. And she wanted to kill him so that she could show me the affection that she thought I needed.

I looked down and looked into Travis' sad face. I can't remember if he was crying or not but he was sad. He looked up at me and I could feel his love. I could feel his sadness from him realizing that he had been ignoring me and that he felt bad that I felt like that and that that's how it appeared to not just me but some random girl.

I don't remember what happened to the girl or the rest of the dream. I do know that I felt a huge relief off my shoulders and an overwhelming sense of love from him once again. I woke up, still tense from the nightmare, but feeling good about things.

I know he loves me, and I hope he never forgets that too. <3

What I feel When I have An Anxiety Attack...

Some people don't understand how I feel or what happens. Just tell me to brush it off. But I want people to know and understand so that they can see into how I'm thinking and how my mind works. Cause the first thing you have to know about my anxiety, it makes me do things and think things I would never do before.

Usually my anxiety is triggered by fears I have about things going on in my life. Example: the fear of losing my boyfriend. (Not his fault). Usually my mind finds something to think this will happen and automatically starts thinking up the worst things it can possibly imagine.

Once all the images that make me want to just throw up and cry till I pass out are rolling around in my head, my heart starts to freak out. What I mean by this is my heart (I have no idea if my blood pressure goes up and down or what) starts to feel like it is racing at a million miles per minute. And sometimes it gets pretty high. I know it can get up to 160 bpm at least (found out last year when in the hospital). This then makes me light headed and makes me not able to breathe very well. I try to breathe and it hurts my chest but almost in an emotional way rather than physical way if that makes any sense.

When this happens, I cannot stand up or walk without almost falling over or feeling like I will collapse at any minute.

But sometimes I feel like my heart is racing and I check my pulse only to find it is actually going at a normal rate. When this happens my pulse is either hard to find or is practically punching my finger cause its beating so hard. When this happens it is also usually hard to stand up or walk without getting the sensation to puke or fall over.

And then there is times when it is beating so slow that it skips beats. When this happens I am usually laying down and no matter how hard I try I cannot get myself up off of wherever I am laying.

Now during all of these, I am having some problems physically that some how morph my thinking into something it shouldn't be like. Something that isn't me. And in most cases, makes things worse or makes me say and think bad things that ruin my relationships.

I think this is because during these times, all I want is for things to get better and for me to be happy again. But for some reason they are not at the moment and I am trying to figure it out in the shortest amount of time before my anxiety gets too much for me and I do and think something stupid. And in searching for that happiness I say the wrong things. Things that I cannot put into the right words that come out into something all wrong.

I have to say, my problems I have with my anxiety are my biggest weakness. They are definitely the worst thing about me and I have limited control over them. I have not found a natural way or even a medical way to completely control them yet. But I am terrible at taking medications given to me.

However, I do have anxiety pills I got from a doctor I used to have that I use in extreme situations. When those run out, I am kinda screwed lol. Doctors don't seem to see my anxiety and pretend it's not there. Why? Cause the medication that actually helps with it is habbit forming.

Now, I agree with the doctors in not wanting to give young people medications they can get addicted to. But being someone who has taken them before, they are addicting because they actually work!

Well now I'm going to go cause I'm just venting now lol But I just wanted to let you guys see into how I feel and try and understand that even though I am trying so hard to control my emotionally destructive  habbits, it is still hard and I am going to need some time, help and patience. Thank you for listening <3

My love,

I'm sorry for everything you have had to deal with me. I have depression problems and anxiety issues and unfortunately it has gotten in the way of every relationship I've had (including friendships). But I am trying so hard and have put more effort into saving this then anything else.

So many people have told me to stop and to keep my issues in my head and not in my actions. But I am never able to listen to them. Until you asked me. I cannot explain why you asking me is so much different then everyone else. My family. My friends. I don't know myself so I couldn't even begin telling you. But I do know that is something really great and special.

Am I in now way trying to make you feel like you have to stay with me to make me feel better. Because you don't. But I am so grateful for every single day that you do. About ten or so months now you have done nothing but support me and be here for me. That's more than I can say about everyone else who gets what they want and then leave. Even when it hurt you and all your friends told you it wasn't worth it, you stayed through.

And I know sometimes it can be a challenge, but you can see that I am trying and working as hard as I can. And yet I would try even harder just to show you how I feel.

I've told you all these things so many times but I want to shout it to the world. I am the luckiest girl for having someone like you. Who cares. And although it can be hard, I promise you it will be worth the wait.


I always tend to ruin things on my own. I have some sort of inner demon who likes to fuck with my emotions and cause me to go into a panic. But this time, I cannot let it win. I am going to do everything in my power to keep you remembering how special I can be. I know it, and so do you. Please, don't forget it.

With all my love I have,
Courtney <3

"What are you going to do when you look like that when you are old?"

Answer: I'm gonna look pretty freaking awesome!

This is one of the most annoying questions you can ask someone who has tattoos. It's just annoying guys! I mean seriously, why do you care?

The thing I hate about it is people act like when we get older we change into completely different people. Yeah, we will grow to be a little more mature and a little wiser and might even hate the music we love today, but we will still be the same people.

All the tattoos I have gotten and I will get have some sort of value to me. I'm not going to get a tattoo of something that I know I will not always like. The lyrics I chose to be on my body are from bands that I am either: deeply inlove with and will always be inlove with the lyrics cause they have some sort of connection to my past or how I feel. Or they show what kind of person I am. My personality.

For example, I have a tattoo from my all time favorite band since I started listening to music a lot in 2005, Panic! at the Disco. I will always love that band and their music, no matter how crappy it sounds. The lyric is "Show them all you're not the ordinary type" which fits me a lot. If you knew me, you'd understand...

The fact is, I am not ordinary. And that is because my personality won't let me. And I know for a fact, I will never be ordinary no matter what I do. No matter how old I get. And therefore this statement (or lyric) will always be relevant. Ps, please ignore the icky flaking. This picture was taken during the healing process :)

I also intend on getting some sort of rainbow tattoo. I am a VERY colorful person and have an obsession with rainbows. They make me happy. They make me smile. They're the only thing that brings up my spirits sometimes. Will I ever grow old and get tired of rainbows? Probably not. They are the most beautiful part of nature in my opinion.

I'm not saying I'm never going to regret getting something that I cannot hide. I have two on my forearms that I will have to hide with a long shirt, but that's an easy fix. I'm not going to be stupid enough to get that rainbow on my forehead.
And by the time I'm sixty, a new generation will be running the world and I guarantee most of them won't give a poop what you have on your body.

This tattoo on my left forearm is really special to me and I will never regret getting it for multiple reasons... "But I'm joyous that I had the chance to love you"
Why?
This is a quote from a really close friend I had a couple years ago who committed suicide. He helped me through hard times I was having (as you might have read in a previous blog of mine). His name was Tyler and he wrote a really moving poem about growing older and changing as time goes on. This was his favorite line in his poem and so it means a lot to me as well. He read me the poem many times and requested that it was read at his funeral. So it was.
The line in the poem I have on my arm was his way of telling the one he loved that even though the odds of them staying together were small (and they were), he would always be grateful for the little time he had with that person and was thankful that they were in his life in the first place.
To me this quote is not just a memory of a friend, it's also a lesson to my heart (as corny as that sounds). It tells me to not be heart broken over the people I've lost, but be thankful that they were there in the first place. And also that I am thankful that he was there because he really did help me and teach me a lot about things I was too weak to learn on my own. And therefore, I will never grow out of it.

Another thing that bothers me is people judge (and I do admit I have done this myself so I don't know why it bothers me lol) others for the tattoos they get. Say they are stupid and that they shouldn't have gotten them. I have one that most people would say I shouldn't have gotten it...

Its a large cameo that covers my right shoulder with a woman in it. Know why I got it? Cause I would like to think, that no matter how crazy I look and am inside, I am still an elegant being. lol... That being said, I have chosen to dedicate one of my arms to designs I love from the victorian era. I just love how that time looked and enjoy the feel of it. Will that look bad as I age? Actually, I think it will fit even better. I am going to be getting more roses added to it, a broken pearl necklace, an old locket and key and probably a little bit of lace like patterns. My Panic! at the disco quote is on the same arm and will fit in well with the ribbon it is under. Also Panic! loves that kinda thing aswell. Mostly in their earlier days when I fell inlove with them <3

And then there is my second tattoo I got and my biggest tattoo, my angel wings on my back with a corseted ribbon.

I always wanted to get angel wings on my back, even though they are probably overdone, just because I think they are beautiful. Mine aren't as big as I wanted them to be but I am a small girl so I think that what I got was fitting. Adding the ribbon just added to my girlie ness and made the tattoo a little bit more unique than all the rest of them out there. I will not regret this tattoo just purely because 1. When I'm old you probably won't see it much. 2. Who cares if you did see it? It's angel wings for crying out loud. Who grows out of angels?
I'm probably going to add some lyrics under it of one of my all time favorite songs that I have liked since about 2004-5, Your guardian angel. That was also my plan when I got them in the first place. Just goes to show what kind of person I am when I love someone.

And finally my last tattoo (for now), my two babies whom I love with all my being, my cats. Yes.... I said cats.

Meet Kink and Aria. My furrbabies.
I love these little hairballs more than most of anything in the world! (And just letting you know now, I am a crazy cat lady fer sure lol).
I got these little darlings just over a year ago and I would never let them go.
I got Kink with my old roommate cause I had always wanted my own cat when I finally moved out. We named her that because she used to go limp and purr and fall asleep when we would gently put our hand around her neck (not choking her hard just resting our hand around her neck gently!)

We got Aria a couple months after and she is usually everyone's favorite cause she is the more sociable one. Plus shes got six toes on each foot so shes a weirdo.

After shit went down with my roommate they were the only thing that I had that remained constant. I lost my best friend, my apartment and then my job after I moved to Mexico with my lovely boyfriend :] They were the only thing that was keeping me from completely going insane from the sudden change in my life.

They are my life and will be the one thing that I can (somewhat) control if they leave my life or not. I do not let them outside cause I don't want to risk losing them like everything else. So when we were in Mexico I found this cute picture on the internet of these two cats cuddling up against each other and thought of my babies. So I decided since they are a huge part of my life I wanted to get them inked on me. :]

And so I did. I will never ever regret this tattoo (no matter how much people make fun of me or judge me for being a crazy cat lady) because I love my cats and even after their gone, I will remember how much they meant to me and they will keep me strong. I feel like I will always have a piece of them close to me now that I have them on my skin. Although, that might be very painful when they're gone... But it's on my back so I won't see it all the time.
It will just be comforting knowing they're there. I'm sure you have felt the same way about something in your life. So no judging.

I intend on getting soooo many more tattoos. I was going to get a big one  on my chest that I had fallen inlove with, but decided I should wait a little longer. Despite how you feel about me and my getting tattoos, I do think about what I want to get before I go out and get them. Yeah, I got all my tattoos in just a year, but I do not regret any of them and I did think about what I was doing.

And in 40 years when I have more tattoos and you ask me if I regret it, I will still answer, no. And I will proudly show off years of my life and amazing memories that I can reflect on for the rest of my life. Good and the bad.

Young mothers

I just want to tell you that you are too good for what is happening to you. I have to sit here and watch my friends all go through the same things. The biggest one right now is young mothers having children and their piece of shit boyfriends walking out on them.

Ok, I know you love them and I'm sure you're sitting there thinking, "She doesn't even know what its like to be in my position" but its not as hard as you think. Yes, raising a kid by yourself is hard but mothers do it every day. And most of you have the help and support of your parents and or your friends. You do NOT NEED that piece of shit to raise your baby.

Most stupid young boys our age think "oh having a baby would be so cool! I could teach it to play games and sports!" But they are usually just thinking about wanting someone to play with. Babies aren't meant to be played with at first, they require tons of care and you have to raise them to get older before teaching them sports. However, guys don't seem to see that until you are right about to give birth. They do not see the intensive care and time that needs to be put into having a child. After all, they don't have to do shit, they just sit there and wait for it to be born. They don't have to carry it around and get huge from it. (Just a note, not all guys are pieces of shits just a LOT of them from what I've seen with all my friends)

Everyone wants a perfect family and I have seen all my friends fall in love with the person they are having a child with. But they are not completely needed to raise the baby. You can do it it just wont be as easy and not what you wanted. But you know what, sometimes you dont get what you want. Thats life and its a bitch but you have to work with what you got.

If you have a kid with someone who decides 8 months into your pregnancy that he is not ready to be a father and that he still wants to be selfish and live his life, then forget about him. You have gone through breakups I'm sure. Yeah, they suck but it's just another thing you have to deal with in life.

It is 100000% better for you to get rid of the guy before the baby knows who he is then letting the asshole stay in his/her life for a little bit, get to know them, get them to know him and fall in love so to speak, then rip him out of their life and then try to explain to them later why "daddy doesnt love me" or "why don't I ever see dad?"

It's such a sad thought to think of your baby growing up without a dad but wouldn't you rather have them and get rid of their dad who doesn't want anything to do with them rather than push them into the kids life and have the kid always wondering why it has a broken family? Why do that when you get pretend he was never there and find someone who actually gives a shit about you and your baby. Someone you can actually be with and who will want to be in that situation and be the greatest father that kid will ever have?

Then there is always the situation where the kids father wants to be in the kids life but he doesn't want anything to do with you and says horrible things about you and is always trying to get the kid away from you. Honestly? I think these people are not worth it either and I personally would do anything in my power to keep my kid away from that. It sucks growing up in a home where your parents are always fighting for you and making you chose one or the other. It's hard when you're a child hearing one talk shit about the other.

I do understand that some couples just aren't meant to be together and they have kids. Like my parents weren't meant to be. They were not soul mates. Unfortunately they didn't realize it before they had me and my sister. After they did they both still wanted to work together and my dad made an effort to see me and sent child support for us. But sometimes that's hard to find. Most guys pretend they want to be in the kids life and then turn around and say "oh I'm not giving you money".

It also pisses me off when people leave their baby mommas and then bitch to their families about them and say they're a bad mother when they don't do anything for the baby or don't make any effort to go see it. Grow up! If you didn't want to be with her you should have worn a condom!

I guess what I'm trying to say to you guys is that if you have someone who just left you and your kid, don't worry. It's not the end of the world. If he was nice enough to leave you and your child after making you pregnant in the first place, then he isn't worth a tear. You and your kid will be MUCH better off living your life and not having someone like that in it. I guaruntee your kid will not know the difference between a single mother who does both positions and a family that has both. And when the day comes that they realize they dont have what some other families have, you can just tell them he is lost. That way when the right guy comes, you can say "I found him!" and live happily ever after :)

Hang in there girls, it will get better I promise. You just have to let go of the bad and the good will come :)

Weirdest dream ever?

So last night I had a really weird dream. It took place in a time that was like, without Travis being in it, but the whole thing with Justin still happened and he was rude and evil again lol. I had to talk to him about something for some reason but he would not talk to me (just like now).

But my cousin Taylor hooked me up with this guy that was really sweet, cute and tall lol. Well the day after we started seeing each other we were at a house with my family in it (all of it) and they started playing a game. The game was weird and had a rule that if you were losing you would have to take your shirt off? But this guy I was seeing told my family he didn't want to play by those rules because he didn't want anyone seeing me naked except him and visa versa.

Well I was kinda ignored during the game by everyone so I decided I didn't want to play anymore and decided I wanted to take a bath. So I went upstairs to my grandparents bathroom and tried starting the bath when my friend Ashely T. came in and asked me for some advice about her situation at the time. I was already half naked but she was so distraught that I let her stay in as I tried figuring out how to set up the bath (it was hidden or something weird like that).

So I finally figured it out and started setting up the bath, undressed and got in still talking to Ashley. But then I remembered what the guy had said about no one seeing me naked and got tremendously guilty feeling. So I got out and started freaking out cause I did not want to lose this guy. I started thinking up different things to tell him and Ashley tried to help, feeling bad about what she saw too even though neither of us had thought about it since we were talking and trying to figure out her situation.

The guy I was seeing (noticing that I had left the game) then came up to the bathroom to look for me and walked in on me getting dressed and Ashley standing in the bathroom. But oddly he didn't seem to surprised. Like it was nothing.

I then told him that I was in the bath before Ashley came in and asked me something and that's when she had seen me naked, a complete accident. He just nodded, smiled and hugged me after I was dressed and told me it was alright cause it was an accident.

                                                                     ~~~

So the next day the boy had some kinda trip he was taking and wanted me to come too. So we got on a bus (I think my cousin Taylor was with me) with a bunch of other people when the guy I was seeing walked up to the rest of the people on the bus one by one and kissed them on the mouth! I was so shocked and confused and just stared at him waiting for a story to unfold. He smiled at me and took his seat on the bus without even thinking about it.

As I looked back at all the people he had kissed I saw that not only were there girls, there were also boys. Not as many as the girls but still more than two. My mouth was hanging open and I was just sitting there in confusion. There was only one girl that I felt completely threatened by behind me but that was because she was super hot. She glared at me a little (more like a face of "why did he pick you") and I started thinking the same thing.

I leaned over and tried asking him what was going on but he just started talking to the driver. So I looked around and then gave up, hoping he would tell me what was going on once we reached our destination. As the drive went on I heard the girl behind me talking to me but in a whisper, as if she didn't really want me to hear. But I did.

She started telling me how the guy I was seeing was seeing all of them and that every week he got another one. He had like fifteen boyfriends and girlfriends and loved them all. She had been the last one before me and she had a hint of jealousy as she told me that he talked about me a lot and that she thought I was gonna be his final choice. That I was gonna be his only one in not too long. But it all weirded me out and I was surprised that just the day before he hadn't wanted to play a game where you took your shirt off when you were losing, when he was sleeping with all these people.

The last thing I remember about the dream was me looking over at the boy and him staring at only me and smiling at me, the girl behind me getting angry and then me settling with the fact that he had other gf's and bf's but he didn't want them anymore. He was trying to figure out what he wanted but he had realized himself that I was the only one he wanted. And I was ok with the whole situation because he was picking me and had to think of a way to let the other ones down softly.

This dream really weirded me out because first of all, I would never stay with someone who had even ONE other gf or bf other than me.

Second, he had been with guys (which I don't judge but it did seem weird). It felt like he had taken kids in (of all different types and nationalities) and took them in to take care of them, but he was also dating them. And it wasn't about sex either he was like taking them out to the movies and giving them kisses. Like an innocent relationship? But it also felt like a charity?

And lastly it was weird because he wanted me over the hot girl behind me on the bus lol. I have no idea what this dream might have meant but it made me feel good kinda. And very weirded out and confused at the same time lol. I'm glad my reality isn't THIS weird. :]

A cooking experience I could have lived without

So since we have been in Mexico, Travis and I have been trying to find different ways to save our money when we eat. Of course we have not been living the healthiest lifestyle for a while and decided it was time for some change. So I have been trying to cook meals at home.

Keep in mind, Travis and I have very little cooking skills...

Last night we decided that we would try and recreate these chicken lettuce wraps that we had had at a restaurant called BJ's in Arizona. We bought the chicken breast (that we weren't sure was the right kind to use), lettuce and some Teriyaki sauce then went home to cook.

Of course it was my first time cooking chicken, as well as Travis' so we did the first thing we usually do when we don't know something and needed help; Google it. Google then proceeded to tell us how to cook the chicken in the best way. First step, put olive oil in the pan.

Earlier while we were at the store Travis and I bought some Vegetable oil for a cake I was to bake later that night. Not knowing the difference between the two, Travis told me to put that into the pan as a substitute for the olive oil we didn't have. Me, not knowing any better did it.

Not long after a huge pile of smoke filled the room before the pan caught flames. And let me tell you I could have pissed myself if I had to pee. I might be exaggerating but the flames in my mind went up about three feet and were as thick as the pan. I went into shock. I mean, how do you put out a fire?

Travis got a wet towel and hit the pan but then it fell on the floor and I became more paniced. He hit it again and the pan flipped over and must have cut off some oxygen from the flames because the fire started to go out. I was so terrified, all that was going on in my mind was that we were gonna catch the house on fire and be stuck in here. Ps. I'm terrified of fire lol

The pan of course was burnt so bad and Travis then spent the next two hours trying to scrub the stains out while I took another shot at making the chicken. This time using butter.

All in all we learned not to use things that weren't in the directions, olive oil is not the same as vegetable oil, and what to do in a fire situation. And I"m glad to say it turned out wonderfully....

But just to be safe, we might be sticking to mac and cheese and sandwiches for a while. ;)

Rest In Peace my friend, May you always be in my heart.

You might be wondering "why does this girl always get sad and always mention the life/death of a guy that didn't even chose her to be his? Someone who was in her life two years ago and will never come back? And I will tell you.

Tyler Jameson impacted my life in a way that I don't think anyone else will. (And just for the record, I do not think he's a god or above all others. Just hear me out)

It was my senior year. I was living in Olympia with my dad until I turned 18 and moved back to Spokane to be with my mom, family and friends. But before I made the move I met Tyler. He worked with my mom and was living with her for a short period of time. He was just slightly older than me but a lot wiser. This kid was very book smart and questioned everything (mostly religion and politics). Far more wise then I ever pretended to be. But he intrigued me.

As we got to know each other, a spark grew and I started to fall In love. Of course it was never going to happen. He had a girlfriend who he thought might actually be "the one" and I had just started getting to know a boy that I also had thought might be "the one" (but that was after the Tyler stuff that I thought that). In the beginning I wasn't sure about the boy that was to be my boyfriend. Tyler had been so protective and always looking after me and I fell so bad.

After a while we let ourselves go and we had a kinda affair. He had a girlfriend but it just felt right between us. I swore he was going to pick me but in the end I think he figured he'd go with the girl who was more like him. I don't blame him. They had so much in common and I was just hopelessly in love.

Anyway that's not the part that changed my life. During the time that Tyler was in my life full on, he taught me how he felt about the world, about writing, about love. He read me poems and lent me his favorite books (I still have to this day). But most importantly he saved my life.

If you haven't noticed or if you do not know me at all, I suffer from some bad depression problems and often have suicidal thoughts. But my senior year was bad. So bad in my mind that I was done with it all. But he was there and begged me not to think that way and told me a story about a couple years back he felt the same way after he had moved to Seattle. He had to move back to his family in Spokane just to get better. He told me that I had family who loved me and that he himself didn't want to lose me. And for some reason (even though so many people had told me that before) it sank in and I just sat there in his arms, actually feeling better.

We spent so many good times together later on in that year. I visited for Christmas and spent a lot of time with him. Memories I wish would never fade with time. One night after we made love, I swear I heard him say he loved me. I asked him what he said and he told me not to worry and to go to sleep. He tucked me in and left. But I could see it in his eyes and I heard him. Another reason I think he meant so much to me. He could have said it again, made me fall for him and then leave me in the dust. But he really did care about me. He didn't want to hurt me. Even told me when he started to drift away in the fantasy of this girl who knew so much about the things he loved. He told me in the beginning that he wanted her and he didn't want to break my heart. It wasn't even about the sex. We just liked being in each others company and talking to each other.

Eventually he moved to Seattle to live with her and I was left alone. All my memories inked into my brain like a tattoo. I got my septum pierced, something he had done and wanted me to do and it became my favorite thing about myself. Makes me feel close to him.

I moved on as well and ended up falling for the guy I had been seeing. He ended up breaking my heart 5 months later before prom. But no hard feelings. It just wasn't our time.

Then come August and I find out Tyler had committed suicide. My heart felt like it literally died for a long time. He had stopped talking to me after he moved to Seattle and it tore me apart. But the worst part was that he had moved back to Spokane after he had been depressed and broke up with his girlfriend. So shortly after he arrived in

Just boring stuff anyway

Okay so it might not be the best choice to stay up all night thinking and thinking and thinking until it destroys me inside but this is what I do all the time. And lately its getting to me.

As you very well know I live in Mexico right now with my amazing, loving boyfriend, Travis. That should make me happy right? But there's something wrong. Don't misunderstand me when I say this because I do love my boyfriend sooooo much! More than I can even admit to myself. But it's just so hard for me to get rid of the past.

Like,take my dumb ass, good-for-nothing ex who tore my heart out after I hurt him two years ago, for example. I know I might deserve him hurting me after I broke up with him shortly after he moved in with me, but I wouldn't go so far as to say that I deserved it all. (Just for the record, I gave him a month or two to decide if I could have made that relationship work before breaking up with him. So it wasn't random just to be mean. And he knew about it the whole time.)  I mean come on, texting the girl you "don't" like saying stuff such as "I can't wait to talk to you when this dinner is over" while sitting and celebrating your "best friend's" dead grandfather's birthday? Please! The same grandfather who took you in in the first place and treated you like part of the family. Treated you better than some of the family? UGHH

But I've got to stop myself there before I lose it again.

The point is, I have never been in a situation where the guy wanted to stay around me for more than five MONTHS. Yeah sad isn't it? But this certain asshole stayed for a year and a half. We dated for five months till I was not happy, broke up, still lived together, moved out of my moms and into our own place, got pets together, supported each other and then finally went our separate ways. We were BEST friends. When we started dating I lost my best friend and he was there to make me feel better. He became my best friend. And before too long he's all I had. He took care of me. And now that's all gone. I had to give it up cold turkey.

Now I have Travis and yes, he is working his ass off to be my best friend, and to take care of me. But there's still something hurting me inside. I just don't know how to handle this situation and Ive been trying to get over it like everyone has been telling me to. My friends and family remind me of how hurt I was when my best friend left me for that bitch. But no matter how many tears I shed for him, and no matter how much hate I have inside, I can't seem to get over it. I'm blaming myself for stuff that isn't my fault. Yeah, some of it is, but not it all.

And now I"m just babbling on about something stupid. I have an amazing boyfriend and I want to give him my all. I want to be the happy girlfriend who showers him with love and sees life at it's brightest. But that just doesn't seem possible right now. I need help but I just don't know how to get it. It's got nothing to do with him, it's me. It's been going on in my head and heart since before we started dating. I just don't know how to process it. I mean, the ONE guy that didn't want to throw me away after 5 months and took care of me and stayed with me through shit storm after shit storm, left. Gone. Never coming back. It's hard. It was meant to be like that... but still one of the hardest things I've ever experienced in my life.

But I'm not gonna give up. And if I end up losing this last chance at happiness with the guy of my dreams, then I don't know what will become of me. I just wish there was some way to fall asleep and wake up with a completely different life or different outlook on it. Cause no matter how hard I try, I have never reached that point. Most days I doubt that I ever will.

No Habla Espanol?

Before I moved to Mexico I used to firmly agree with the "if you are in our country, learn our language" saying. It made sense and yeah, I agree to an extent. However, considering I know VERY little Spanish, I am looking off of that and thanking God they're more understanding here.

I don't know how many times we have gone somewhere and there has been absolutely no one who knows English. It's so hard to communicate and yet it doesn't seem to bother them as much as it bothers American's. For this I feel like I cannot complain about that anymore.

I will not be bothered by all the translations on shampoo bottles and hair dye instructions when I have to search for the English versions, because if there were no English translations here, I would have bought salt instead of sugar. It's helped me out so much.

I guess being here is changing my way of looking at life, even just a little. If only the world could all work together and help others who are in a foreign place. It can be pretty scary being far from home.

Welcome to Mexico, Day three

So begins our adventure in Mexico, so far from home yet still kinda close thanks to the internet :)

It's day three today and I finally have the internet and energy to write about our travels.

Travis and I left on Wednesday morning (well afternoon because we had been delayed due to our procrastinations) and set off to Mexico! First stopping in Idaho, Vegas, and Tuscon Az. Three days later we arrived in Mexico and changed our current lives for the better.

Arriving in Mexico was unlike I thought it would be and we were shocked by the difference in culture.

First off, the land is mostly dessert mountains. We were surrounded by red rocks and sand for as far as we could see. The roads were different and the traffic laws, how should I say... well, completely illegal as to what we were used to. As we rode we saw tons of crosses on the side of the road and I instantly grew thankful for the strict laws in the states for driving. There are a lot less memorials on the side of the road where I come from.

It also amazed me that there were children working in the stores. Like babies to me! Kids my brothers age are bagging groceries and cleaning windows on the streets. Yes, it probably makes them more responsible but it kinda made me sad. All of them working for the tips that most do not give them. It's really sad.

But for the most part everyone seems really welcoming and humble. Instead of getting yelled at and cursed at you are getting people waving at you and smiling. Some staring at the shiny ring hanging out of your nose (oh wait that's just me). Overall, very comfortable.

The ocean is beautiful from the towns view. San Carlos wraps around the ocean like a blanket, taking in the breeze of the water and the extraordinary site of blue and yellow. The skies are always clear and the sun is always out. Another thing I'm not used to coming from Washington state.

And yet with all the beauty around me, I still miss home. I miss my friends and family being so close. I miss everything being connected so closely. Things are close here as well but not as close as in Spokane. It feels like I'm on another planet or on a desert island. But it feels good at the same time. This is what I needed. It will be good for me.

The food here is good as well. It's not all deep fried like in most fast food places in the states. There are a couple places I recognize but not in the area I'm staying. Most of the restaurants are outdoors because of the heat. But it's kind of refreshing. You definitely get your share of sunshine here. The drinking age is also lowered here and I have been enjoying that. Not that I drink a lot but it is nice that I can get a drink and not have to worry about breaking the law. I am 20.5 years old and mature enough to not abuse alcohol like most people think kids do. It's day three and all I've had to drink was my first margarita on day one. It's a nice change, I feel more like a grownup here than in the states. And that's such a relief.

My babies are staying with Mark and Clara for the time being until we can get into their place that accepts pets. However, until their condo is ready for them, we have to visit them at their place while we stay in our cute little studio apartment, only a five minute walk away. It still breaks my heart leaving my babies even that far away from me. They have helped me through a lot of tough days and are one of the things I cannot live without. Call me a crazy cat lady, but Kink and Aria are my children and I don't even want to think about what I'd do if I didn't have them in my life anymore. Just thinking about a life without them makes me cry for hours. I'm just like a paranoid mother with her first child. We got Kink and Aria fixed before our trip and ever since I've been paranoid about their health. All seems to be going well but I still worry profusely about them. 

Just yesterday broke down and cried for a while fore when we left Mark and Clara's, Aria followed after me and looked at me with such sad eyes when I started going out the door.
I couldn't leave before picking her up again and giving her many kisses. I hate to see her follow me when I leave. It tears my heart into a billion pieces to see that look on her face. But soon, I will not have to leave her and I'll always be around her. I love them so much you have no idea.

After  that I started thinking about just how far away my family is. about 27 hours away? It hit me suddenly as I was thinking and realized I cannot just run to my mom or grandma when I was upset. I couldn't just call and have someone pick me up so I could talk to them. I couldn't just go over to their houses and talk to them for hours about nothing. But I knew that subconsciously going into this. I have no regrets, I just wish it didn't have to be like that. I wish I could have gathered up all my loved ones and stuck them in my suitcase and brought them with me. But that's not possible.

Even though I miss my family and friends SO much, I am glad to be here with my love, Travis. He has been there through all my drama and ups and downs. He's helped me when I was at rock bottom and I am so grateful for him. I could not picture a life without him at this point and am not ashamed to say I love him. We are going through a lot of firsts together and in just a few months he will pass the longest I've ever been with someone, ever! That's really amazing to me. I may have just found my perfect guy and I'm not gonna let myself f**k this one up this time.